We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
