i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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