dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
