so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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