I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
