I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Found your dick twin last night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
