Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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