youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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