Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
