maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
