Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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