Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she woke up with a sticky ear
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
