She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
