she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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