5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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