'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
