Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
