Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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