Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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