nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
