I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
