No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
