Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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