If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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