I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
