After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
