1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
