Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
