never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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