i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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