she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
