I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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