when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
