I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
