My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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