we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
