I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
