Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
