I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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