Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
