i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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