I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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