i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dear god my vagina.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
