Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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