i don't like sucking hair
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
