I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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