Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
