He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
