I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
