corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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